Things that make me stompin’ mad!

1. Construction work during naptime

2. Spittle on the sidewalk

3. War

4. Clonking my head on things

5. Smokers

6. The loose interpretation of the word “cappuccino” by baristas (Okay, I don’t get so mad I stomp. Just annoyed.)

7. Shoe salespeople who bring me size 9 1/2 because they didn’t have size 10. Like that’s going to work.

8. Surprise tickles

9. All the suffering in the world

10. MSG

Current obsessions

1. The huge bin of homemade chocolate chip cookies in my freezer

2. Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains (Go, villains!)

3. How far my new protagonist should go with her boyfriend

4. Removing mold from every stinkin’ corner of my home

5. Sleep, and how to get more

6. Facebook statuses of pregnant friends

7. “Hey, Hey What Can I Do” by Led Zeppelin: the definitive theme song of my new novel

8. Those damn cookies again

9. The Pioneer Woman

10. How in the world that woman got her hair to do that

Conversational moments that make me cringe:

1. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
I know that what’s coming next isn’t going to be pretty. And to make matters worse, whoever says this is preemptively telling me how to react. How fair is that? A better opener would be, “I need to be really honest with you about something.” Then I’m still prepared, and I’m much more likely to listen instead of thinking about what a jackass the speaker is for trying to manipulate my feelings.

2. “You totally look like this person I know.”
That may very well be true. But unless that person is a devastatingly gorgeous celebrity that I’ve seen before, I really don’t care.

3.”Let me tell you a crazy-ass story about this girl I knew in high school. Oh, gosh, what was her name?” [pounds forehead with fist] “I can’t believe I’m blanking on it.” [spends two more minutes trying to come up with name as I pick my cuticles]
I understand that it bothers people when they forget names, I really do. But if I wouldn’t recognize the name anyway, what does it matter? Just call her Georgette and continue the story, please.

4. “Not gonna happen.”
I hate this phrase, for complicated reasons involving a painful conversation with an ex-boyfriend. I’ve forbidden my husband from saying it, along with “I disagree,” “You’re mistaken, and “You’re wrong.” Yes, my ex was a bit of a contrarian.

5. “You actually watch/eat/like that?”
I fully understand the meaning of “To each his own.” I don’t expect everyone to share my taste in television shows, snacks, reading materials, and eighties movies. That’s fine. I am an unapologetic Survivor fan and indulge in the occasional Hostess cupcake. You don’t have to like that about me, but could you stop openly judging me? I’ve never said a word about your collection of velvet paintings. Until now, I guess.

Things I Just Don’t Get

1. Stilettos. I guess they’re supposed to be sexy, but I find it impossible to feel hot when my feet are in a vice grip.

2. Football. I’ve tried, really I have, but all I understand about the game is that one team scores when the football reaches the end zone.

3. Tricked-out cars. If that fart box, spoiler, and those ground effects are some expensive attempt to lure the opposite sex, sorry, dude, but they didn’t work on me. I only noticed them after my husband did.

4. The popularity of Starbucks. There is much better coffee to be had. And yes, I’m a snob.

5. Sloppy joes. Their appeal completely escapes me. I love a good burger, though.

6. Facebook friend requests from people who openly despised me in high school. After I finish scratching my head, I usually say yes, though. Why hold a grudge?

7. Elmo and Barney. Maybe if they’d been around when I was four, it would all make more sense.

8. Young, beautiful women dating old, crusty men. I’ve been seeing these couples everywhere lately, and I don’t care how much money those dudes have or how amazing their personalities are. Yuck.

9. Def Leppard. Worst. Band. Ever.

10. Casinos. I’ve only been in a few, and they depressed the heck out of me. I just wanted to shout, “The house always wins, fools! Go home and save those nickels for your grandkids’ college tuition!”

My Celebrity Crushes, in chronological order

1. Michael Jackson: It was the moonwalking.

2-3. Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix: Is this photo not man-tastic?

4. Matt Damon: Ooh, he was so cute in School Ties.

5. Kate Winslet: I’m not afraid to admit to a girl crush. Can ya blame me?

6. Christian Bale: I’m all over the sit-ups scene in American Psycho.

7. Orlando Bloom: Is he still getting work? He should be, with those cheekbones.

8. Dave Navarro: He carries off the eyeliner so well.

9. Jack White: No offense, Jack, but it’s more about your voice and your guitar playing.

10. Robert Plant: I’m on a huge Led Zeppelin kick right now. The hair is almost as good as the voice.

Notice the trend toward musicians? What can I say–I’m a sucka for boys who sing, dance, and play the guitar.

It’s February, which means that Valentine’s Day is coming up. Stumped about what to get your sweetheart? Here are some suggestions:

1. Skydiving lessons

2. A ham

3. Deodorant with a little note attached that says, “Hint, hint!”

4. Fire insurance

5. A schnauzer

6. A monkey phone call

7. Footed pajamas

8. A chest freezer full of beef pot pies

9. A PedEgg

10. A copy of TMI

Things I don’t need to do again, like ever:

1. Work at the Woolen Mills

2. Ask someone why they don’t like me

3. Eat sweetbreads

4. Apologize for the way I behaved in high school

5. Cut my own hair

6. Obsess over TMI’s sales rank on Amazon (and I don’t, now that I know how meaningless that number truly is)

7. Let the Wii tell me how much I should weigh

8. Take a toddler to a crowded hipster restaurant after her bedtime

9. Watch I Am Legend

10. Puke

I needed a blogging break, and now I’m back. Thanks for your patience, everyone.

So what’s new in Quigleyland? Let’s see…

1. In early December, I had a blast doing several events with other YA authors. Jon Yang has some great photos of us on his blog.
2. I finished the second draft of my second novel. A few of my loved ones volunteered to read it and had lots of great things to say, so that’s been encouraging!
3. I’ve been practicing yoga 3-4 times a week, and let me tell you, it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I’m happier, calmer, and feeling better than I have in years. I do classes at home with YogaToday.com, which I highly recommend to anyone and everyone. I love all the instructors, but Adi Amar is my favorite.
4. I went to Minnesota to see friends and family. Each time I visit my native state in the winter, I’m reminded of what a wimp I’ve become living in California.
5. I turned 34. Mentally, I still feel like I’m about fourteen. On the big day, I went shopping with my daughter, and the next evening enjoyed a toddler-free dinner with my husband and friends at one of my favorite restaurants.
6. I hosted my parents-in-law and then my brother and his girlfriend, who was visiting San Francisco for the first time. I never tire of playing tour guide and seeing people’s reactions to the city. There’s no denying I live in an awesome town!

Over the next few weeks, I’m looking forward to diving into another draft of my novel, seeing my parents when they come out to visit, and helping my daughter celebrate her second birthday. I’ll do my best to keep up my regular features.

I haven’t said much about my new novel on this blog, but I’m the process of finishing a second draft (the first draft was not pretty, people). I’m still not ready to reveal too much about the book, but basically, it’s about a girl who spends a summer waiting tables at a resort when she’d rather be playing her cello at orchestra camp. Complications ensue.

It’s taken me forever to think of a decent title (I’m not revealing my current favorite because it may not fly in the end). Along the way, I’ve thought of many heinous titles, with some help from my husband. He’s good at that sort of thing. Here they are:

1. Mah Cello and Mah Fellow

2. Mo’ Music, Mo’ Problems

3. The Summer of Lies!!!

4. I Can Haz Beethoven?

5. Mean Girls Minus Lindsay Lohan

6. I Only Get Cell Reception Behind the Tool Shed

7. I Frickin’ Hate It Up Here

8. Stop Patting My Butt, You Dirty Old Man

9. Play Me Like A Cello!

10. Like Twilight, But At A Resort

I spent part of Black Friday sitting at the front of Greetings and Readings, a popular bookstore and gift shop in Hunt Valley, Maryland. Based on a similar past experience, I knew that I would be largely ignored by the customers and that the people most likely to talk to me would be fiftysomething men, not exactly TMI’s target demographic.

Over the course of two hours, I signed four copies of TMI, which I now know isn’t a bad number at all for a relatively unknown author doing this kind of event. However, in retrospect, there were several things I could have done to increase sales:

1. Worn a Baltimore Ravens jersey

2. Placed Ravens merchandise on the table next to my books. The snowmen wearing Ravens hats and sweatshirts were especially popular.

3. Shouted “Go Ravens!” at regular intervals

4. When asked what TMI was about, answered, “Oh, a girl who really loves the Ravens.”

5. Gotten a Raven to come in and sign copies of TMI

6. Claimed to be Ray Lewis’s sister

7. Put a flat screen behind me showing the Raven’s latest game

8. Brought my husband and brother along so that the three of us could dress up as Edgar, Allan, and Poe, the Ravens’ mascots

9. Set up a kissing booth next to my table with Ravens cheerleaders

Seriously, was anyone in this store interested in the actual books for sale? The customers were all clustered around the display of Ravens merchandise like a bunch of starving people at a pit beef stand.